Simultaneously

Hello fellow citizens of Hellworld,

I’ve been struggling with an inability to express myself. It’s been wave after wave of depression, exhilaration, outrage, joy, fear, anxiety, happiness, hope - back and fourth and up and down without stopping. I can’t focus. I’m fatigued. 

I had a conversation with Geoff this afternoon after he walked into the room to find me face down on my keyboard. I explained that I have been trying to put my thoughts into words for nearly two months and that I’m finding it impossible to address all of the issues that I feel need addressing. Weeks and weeks of failed attempts had only resulted in a long, point-form list of things I hate. He asked me,  “well forget what you think you need to say, what do you want to say?” 

I said that I really just wanted to let everyone know that Bad Buddy has a single coming out tomorrow and how excited I am about it, but it is accompanied by an overwhelming heaviness, and feels selfish and wrong to do so amidst the collective hardships of humanity. Who gives a single fuck about our album, considering the state of the world? 

This has been my mental state: Every time I have felt a little spark of excitement, the anger and depression that lives in the pit of my stomach reminds me that that there are people dying in the streets for basic human rights, the beautiful province I love is being destroyed by a racist, woman-hating, walking dumpster-fire, who thinks oil is more precious than water, the constitution is being amended to secure systemic racism, there is still (don’t forget) a global pandemic killing thousands, dissolving many careers, including my own, and decimating the livelihoods of people I care about. There is nothing to be happy about while people continue to suffer. Don’t forget the suffering. Don’t forget to suffer. SUFFER. It is then that Geoff reminded me that I’ve actually already written about this feeling.

“So you saying you’re feeling great and awful, simultaneously.” Hah! Fuck, Geoff. Yeah, that’s pretty much hitting the nail on the head.

For those of you reading who don’t know, and would like to join in my “epiphany,”  the new Bad Buddy single, the song I have been so excited to share, while simultaneously feeling horrible for being excited about anything while the world is on fire is about that exact feeling. It’s literally titled “Simultaneously,” for fucks sake. So, after drinking a lil sip of my own Kool-Aid, I think I can finally write something out clearly.

I don’t want to diminish the joy I feel about this record. It would be purely performative, as I am absolutely thrilled to release another single into the world, and into the loving arms and ears of our community. I have loved getting to listen to the album as a whole, taking in the entirety of the arrangements that I’ve never properly heard before, as playing the live music demands I focus on my own performance. I’m so impressed and completely blown away by the musicianship of my bandmates and their attention to detail. I’ve gotten to see the whole picture from a distance for the first time, and I’m not ashamed to say I friggin looooooove it! It is my proudest accomplishment, and I am so happy with how it has turned out.

I believe it is incredibly important to feel happiness whenever possible, and to revel in it. Perhaps now, more than ever. I savour every moment with friends, I relish the sound of laughter, I tell my parents I love them as often as I can. I hold my partner close and feel safe and secure. I eat good food and drink good drinks and walk good walks and talk good talks. I make music and share stories and try to catch glimpses of blue jays in the yard because I love it. I love life. And I know, I KNOW, that my inherent privilege has given me the access to this kind of ease.

I will continue to cherish and hold on tight to all that I love, because it fuels my fire. It gives me energy to continue to strive to uphold justice and fairness. Keeping the things that make life worth living in my heart and in my mind make it easier to focus on, and not stray from, the long-term goal where all people are able to experience happiness and live life to the fullest. 

So yes, I am happy, but worse-off than I’ve been. These days, it is a constant and powerful feeling of duality, but I think that it is important to remember that it’s alright to feel happy in the midst of hardship. One does not diminish the other, they can occur simultaneously. Here’s hoping that our music can lift you up for even a moment, and I hope you will choose to share your joys and accomplishments with us.

Much love to you all, except you, Jason Kenney, you absolute piece of shit.
Take care of yourselves so you can take care of each other.

Xo - e.

PS: EDUCATE YOURSELF AND VOTE.
PPS: Here’s a link to pre-save the song, if you’re curious.