#whocares
Dear Diary, uhh… wassup? HOW ARE YOU? I don’t really remember how to socialize anymore, my bad. Quarantine ruined me. I hope that you are feeling good, and being kind to yourself and others. I gotta say, the change in the weather has really affected my mood. I’m sure a lot of us are feeling this way as the days grow shorter, colder and COVID has yet to fuck off. Not to mention all the other realizations and struggles and hurt and bullshit the world is going through right now. Things are truly feeling fucked. But, I am trying to focus on the good things, the bright spots that make me get out of bed on days when I want to cover my head with the covers and forget that there is a world outside my bedroom. After all, I have a boat load to be thankful for.
So here are some good things! I have a job and work with some really lovely people. Seriously, they are all gems. Blessings. Since playing live music is still at a stand-still and there are no real answers as to when things will return to ‘normal’, I’ve started full time bartending and serving again. I haven’t done this in a few years; music was about a ⅓ of my income before the pandemic started. I had forgotten how much you gotta hustle. Let me just say, fucking kudos to everyone working in the hospitality industry right now!! (I know other people are working their asses off right now but let the restaurant peeps have their moment.) Y'all are killing it. Thank you for helping people feel like nothing has changed, even for an hour or so, all while navigating how to safely go to work. Which leads me to say, can everyone please, for the love of burgers, wear a goddamn mask on your face holes? It ain’t that hard. Have we compared people covering their mouth but not their nose to the pull out method yet? If you don’t already know, 1 in 5 people who use this method become pregnant. YA WELCOME. Science RULES.
What did I even come here to say? Oh, dear Diary? Ah yes, ‘the good stuff’. Therapy! I started therapy on September 29th and I have only had one session so far. But I gotta say, it feels good to start putting in work and effort and care into myself and my mental health. I’m gonna get basic for a second cause #whocares, but I have a Cancer Mars (yeah I went there) and everything, I mean everything makes me cry. Happy, sad, excited, angry, hungry, bleeding, frustrated - you name an emotion and I will cry about it. Talking to a professional about my past experiences that led me to struggle as an adult was, unsurprisingly, pretty emotional, and I spent the week following the appointment crying just about everyday, and feeling very drained. I feel like I’m not convincing anyone that therapy is a good thing with this but I swear it is! I would not lie to you, dear Diary. And it sounds almost silly that it took a professional telling me this, but she told me to focus on feeling my feelings. To get out of my head and feel things not just emotionally but physically. It was a damn whirlwind of emotions and memories and weird dreams but now things have evened out and I feel hopeful. Bottom line is, therapy = good!
If you are still reading this rambling strain of consciousness, wow. We are now kindred spirits and when we die I want to be buried with you.
More good stuff! I have two cats, Guy and Waylon. They are good boys when they are not meowing at 6am, knocking shit off tables or just being general assholes. Waylon is an anxious sweet weirdo who meows as if our house is haunted and he is trying to scare a ghost around 4 am everyday. And Guy is so dumb that it’s cute. Seriously, you look at him and you just know “that cat is so cute he is probably a goddamn idiot.” And you would be right. He is the dumbest.
Even more good stuff! I did Sober October! And made it 9 days. HAHAHA. Sometimes you just don’t complete a goal but you know what? That is okay. Try again tomorrow. You are only a human, not a super cyborg fembot with boob blasters and a pink mini skirt so cut yourself a break. As long as we are trying to be good to ourselves and each other, what more can you ask for? I also ran 3 days a week for 3 weeks during Isolation so I am the picture of health. If I had a fit bit it would say “damn that is one fit bit(ch)”.
Oh dearest Diary, I really wish with all my heart that we could all get together at a show and stand so close together that you can smell what the dude next to you ate yesterday. JK I have never wanted that. No one has. But I would take plus 30 degrees, sitting on those hot, sticky vinyl seats in a van with no A/C tearing down the flat boring ass highway somewhere between Saskatoon and Winnipeg to play a show to 15 people, where the sound tech* shows up 2 hours late, so stoned that they don’t realize the mains aren’t even on. Ah - da dream.
Well, I have no idea what the purpose behind this post was but I thoroughly enjoyed writing it. I hope it gave you a chuckle or two, took your mind off things for a moment or at the very least made you scratch your head and say wtf did I just read? Or hey, maybe it made you consider therapy or adopting a cat. ~shrug emoji~
*At the exact moment I wrote that sentence, Waylon jumped up on a shelf and knocked over 2 pictures, an owl ornament and a whiskey decanter. Fuuuuuuuuuuuck.
Anyway,
XOXO Gossip Girl
(Andi)
